Ask Arthur: “Sunday musings…” 2/1/2026
An imaginary letter to an imaginary advice columnist about something that may or may not have happened…
Dear Arthur,
Boy, does this feel strange. I’m the guy who folks of all ages, types and sizes come to for advice. My sole goal, the thing that approaches every conscious decision I make is to speak and listen, act and react from a place of kindness and, if possible, love. Yet here I am, silently frozen out of a friendship more than 20 years in the making for a presumed act of disloyalty. I got caught in a picture that I tried very hard to avoid being caught in, and before I could untag myself my friend caught sight of it on some social media thing or another.
Even the mailman was puzzled by the stamp on my returned Christmas card: “Delivery Refused”.
My sin was to do something kind for another friend entirely. I accepted their invitation to a gathering where I would know many people; my attendance would be very welcomed by everyone there, and the friend who invited me would likely garner some goodwill for having me there. One of the other guests who I once knew quite well but hadn’t really had contact with for more than 8 years had caused great harm to my out-of-town friend, someone who I try to be in touch with several times each year.
With the exception of the time I spent with my hosts, locals we try to hang out with, the gathering was rather awkward and uncomfortable for me. I left after a short stay; the only goodbyes I said were to my hosts. Still, just for being there it appears as if my long-time friend has decided to end our friendship over a picture on the internet. Our last interaction was a two sentence exchange on that social media site in which I explained the invitation.
Since I have enjoyed this friendship a part of me feels compelled to explain. At the same time the reaction to the picture seems so outsized I am left to wonder if doing so will matter.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
What an odd world we live in! Once upon a time you had to almost work at it to offend someone face to face, or at least via a phone call or personal letter in order to get put in the eternal friendship penalty box. Now? Apparently all you have to do is show up in a random picture somewhere online without any context. Rough place, that internet.
I get it, though. Judging by your somewhat cryptic letter something really lousy must have happened to your out-or-town friend at the hands of the other invited guest. You accepted the invitation from your local friends because, well, they’re your friends, too. You seem to have made an effort to be electronically invisible but got photographed anyway. Perhaps you were momentarily distracted and didn’t want to cause discomfort for your hosts by more aggressively declining the photo. You say that you aim to be kind in your interactions. It is understandable that the “here and now” of the gathering was the stronger influence.
So what now? You feel badly. Your out-of-town friendship must be very meaningful. I mean, you and your mailman looked carefully enough at the returned letter to see the “why” on the envelope. As I see it there are two ways you can look at this. You can paraphrase the American philosopher Elbert Bubbard: “Never explain. Your friends do not need it, and [everyone else] will not believe it.” Do you think a more in-depth explanation than your quick SM interchange will make a difference?
Or we can channel another Philosopher, Reinhold Niebuhr: “No virtuous act is quite as virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as it is from our standpoint. Therefore we must be saved by the final form of love, which is forgiveness.” Perhaps, upon reflection your friend will realize the value of your friendship, and upon doing so will recall your basic nature. Your tendency to kindness. And having done so will forgive you for the pain you unintentionally and unknowingly caused.
To each other.
With best wishes, Arthur
I’ll see you next week…
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