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Dr. Darrell White's Personal Blog

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Goodbyes on Time and Too Soon: Sunday musings…3/10/19

Dinner last night with Beth, her sisters and their husbands was typical of the wonderful times we’ve all spent together over the years. Not unlike our relationships with my siblings and their spouses, Beth and I share a very comfortable friendship with my brothers and sisters-in-law. Laughter, gentle teasing, and a sense of warmth is the typical fare when we dine together. Our bonds have been strengthened through our time spent shepherding Beth’s folks through the last stages of their lives, not unlike the journey we all travelled in the last few years of my Dad’s life.

We were all far from our kids and grandkids, so while we had our phones mostly pocketed we did take brief glances when alerted to emails and texts. So it was that we learned of the dire illness and hospitalization of an elderly uncle and the passing of a dear friend. It’s amazing when you think of it how often we are drawn to this well in mid-life, isn’t it? My close friend lost his wife to a cancer that kills roughly 95% of those afflicted no matter what age they are when they get the diagnosis. There are no known risk factors for her cancer; bad luck afflicts indiscriminately. ┬áBeth’s uncle was felled by a particularly severe stroke; his biggest risk factor was having the good fortune to live long enough. At the moment he lies on the razor’s edge between life and death.

My dear friend and his sons have had many months to prepare for yesterday. Knowing them, and knowing his wife, those months have been jammed with life and living and love. “Goodbye” has been there with each parting, with each night’s retreat to the peace brought by sleep, if that is sleep was to come. Goodbye yesterday was too soon–too soon by decades–the peace that came with “goodbye” notwithstanding. Much too soon and yet they were ready. Or as ready as one can ever be might be a better way to see it. They were not surprised and because they were not surprised they’d left nothing unsaid. “I’m sorry.” “I forgive you.” “Thank you.” “I love You.” The air around them was filled with this and more these last many months.

Nothing was left unsaid. Peace surrounded the family and their closest friends.

I find inspiration in many of the comments of my good friend Bill, the surgeon. Unlike me, the eye surgeon, Bill ┬ádeals in disease that causes death on a daily basis. An inherently kind man (his protestations to the contrary notwithstanding), Bill encourages his patients and their families to live in a way that allows them to know that they are at peace with one another long before the end is nigh. He has often professed amazement at the heroic efforts made by family members to be at the side of a dying relative so that they may “make things right”. Why, he wonders, wait? Even in the healthy elderly death is but a moment away. Why wait until the end? Why not be at peace with one another in life before death?

Beth’s uncle lies at the precipice. His children are arriving from near and far. Was his “lifeline” any different from my that of my friend’s wife? As unknowing as we all may have been, as we near the end of our journey we must all be aware that our time becomes short. Sitting in the airport after our brief but wonderful visit I am comforted by another recent visit to celebrate the marriage of Beth’s cousin and our time spent with her uncle around the wedding festivities. There was love. Love and understanding and forgiveness where it may have been necessary, but mostly love. I sit here hoping that it is that, the love, that his children will remember. That they will convene at his bedside simply because of that love, with little else left to say to him or to each other but “I love you”.

It’s always too soon to say goodbye to someone you love, even when goodbye arrives on time.

I’ll see you next week…

One Response to “Goodbyes on Time and Too Soon: Sunday musings…3/10/19”

  1. March 13th, 2019 at 7:02 pm

    Rosco says:

    Well said brother Bingo. Great that we can be there to comfort those in need as God comforts us in our time of need.

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